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28th April 2008

2:10pm: No more shields.
Somehow I have become the object of intrest of a guy I know. I'm not really sure how, but he has also broken me down in four days. I didn't think that was possible, but then, it brought something to my attention. Over the past few years, I have grown weak. Before, it never would have happened, but now, it takes very little effort. I'm beginning to hate myself for it (even more).
Not only that though. To break through, he used one of the only things that I honestly can't help but think about, or resist. Blood. Now, don't get me wrong, though I like blood, I'm not a full time vampire (only part time). He also used cutting, which made it even easier to get to me. Now, after four days, we have both been playing with the idea of sharing our blood. I'm very tempted to do this for one main reason: His reaction. For him, it's a bond, whether it be of friendship or somthing more, I'm not sure. For me, it's sexual, it's emotional, it's mental. I'm slightly scared though. That's not exactly a part of me that he needs to see. But I think I've made up my mind about it though. Maybe.
I asked Jonathan about it, and he doesn't like it. Which I expected. But I'm going to go and talk to my friend, because I'm beginning to have doubts about this. If this talk comes out positive, then I might do it. If not, I'll tell him to leave me alone.
My only problem with this though, is I'm worried he's just trying to hurt me, or that he wants to split me and Jonathan (he admitted he had a slight attraction to me). I don't want that, and I would want even less to do with him, if he actually did one of those things.
I just hope I'm wrong.
Current Mood: stressed

4th April 2008

2:03pm: I don't really know what is happening with me. I'm already wanting to cut again, and it's driving me insane. Usually I can push it off, let it linger for a little while, and not be bothered with it. Not this time though.
One of my friends has this ability to pull out some of the darkest parts of my personality. And the thing is, I don't really mind it. But, later, when I'm away from him, I don't like it. It isn't generally a good thing. For a long time, I decided not to mess with him, because of this. Now I've started talking to him again, and I slightly worried that this will happen again, especially if I'm not careful. But I don't want to start ignoring him and all. I couldn't do that to him, even if I tried. I like the way he does this, up until I start feeling like I'm spending too much time with him and not my actual boyfriend. Sometimes, relationships suck.
Maybe this will all straighten itself out in the end. Because if not, I'm screwed! :D
Current Mood: worried

26th March 2008

1:49pm: From 180, to near 240.
I'm not sure when I last really made an update, because the last I checked, I have over 200 scars, close to 210 really, and last night, after a roll with Jonathan, I done around 20 to 25 more.
This summer, I want to go live with my mom, around two hourse from here, and work for a while. You know, get used to the city and driving there, and what not. I thought Jonathan was going to the beach for the summer (yes, all of it), so that right there made the desicion easier for me. I even already got an application for Hot topic and all. But, he's not going to the beach, and my step dad won't let him come down with me. I was up until around midnight, maybe half past, thinking about it. I even cried over it. Then, I couldn't take it. I was shaking from wanting to cut. I even wanted to during class today. And I brought the razor with me.
In a way, this scares me. I don't want to leave Jonathan. I don't want to be so far away for so long.
I haven't really cut for around four to six months until last night. I was doing good, considering I had many opportunities, and desires to.
This just all got to me. Who knows, maybe this is the beginning of another beautiful downward spiral.
Current Mood: disappointed

11th January 2008

9:39am: *nada*
I'm not really sure exactly what is going on right now. Things seem to be scattered about in some random pattern that I can't seem to grasp.
I wish I caould put all of my thoughts on here, because I can't understand them. But maybe I'm not supposed to, I don't know. And really, it doesn't matter, does it?
Anyway, I think my breaks are giving out. I'm going to have my dad check them today. I also got paid. I'll hopefully get to pay my insurance and pay on my school without having to get a loan. But then I have my book to worry about. I don't know, maybe things will work out.
Yeah, that's it.
Sad, eh?
Current Mood: apathetic

14th December 2007

10:31am: Nyan Nyan o kore desu ka?
-or-
Is there a cat in here?

I'm not sure either, just go along with it. I don't really have a lot of time, I have to leave by 10:45 today.
Really I haven't got much to say. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than my last post. I have my astronomy final on Monday, and I have yet to really pick the book up, I think I may have found a way to pay off my school loan! I'm not sure, we'll see how that works out. I've ordered the first three vol. of Loveless. That makes me a very happy kit kit.
But Christmas is staring me in the face, and I've never seen such a jolly, happy, nightmareish think in my life. No one has their present yet (yay), I have what, eleven days left? Damn that sucks. I know a few people who are just going to have to wait for their gifts. That's right, everyone but four people: my mom, dad, cousin, and Tessie. *heavy sigh* I hate Christmas. I want to be three years old again, to where I got all the gifts, and didn't have to worry about getting other people something. My parents done that for me!!
Actually, I think both scenarios are equally scary. I'm fine right here.
Anyway, I have to go. It's exactly 10:45. Baibai!!
Current Mood: busy

11th December 2007

2:02pm: *pound pound* ugh.
wow. it's amazing how quickly one can get sick. i actually got sent home today. i wanna go home. i want to sleep for the rest of the day. fuck that. i just want to get to feeling better.
*pound pound* ugh, my head....

15th November 2007

1:52pm: Nekonyan dance (don't ask)
I honestly think I'm well on my way to insanity. I think the best word right now to describe how I feel is promiscuous. And that's not a good thing. I've kissed Kami, I well on my way to kissing Mimi, and then I also have a boyfriend. Who knows all of this. Really, I don't think that makes me promiscuous. What I think makes me promiscuous is the fact that I don't want to stop at kissing a lot of the time. No, I am not constantly wanting to have sex with them, but with one or two of them, it could possibly happen in the future. Well, one of them for sure. Anyway, before I go on to another rant, this post is for one thing. I've finally realized what my purpose is for living. My purpose is to make others happy. I will go out of my way, try to push my feelings aside, or even try to forget them all together, and do what I can to make one person happy. And when I can't do that, I get angry, I get depressed. I begin to hate myself a little more knowing I failed in making them happy. But now, all it is doing is making it harder for me to hold on to what little bit of sanity I have left. I'm trying to make three different people happy at the same time. But to do that I would have to destroy two different relationships, one of them being my own. I'm being selfish in not doing this, but then, I'm making the last of the three happy by not doing this. And this is driving me insane. Because I love them all. While in different ways, I love them all. But I just happen to love one of them more than I could ever love the others. Does it really make me selfish not to want to give that up. Giving up on making the others happy to keep myself and the other happy. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm doubtful, I'm scared, and the only thing I know to do anymore is hurt others it seems. Maybe I'm nothing but a failure. I wonder if maybe that is the only thing I can do. Maybe I should just stop, and I probably would. If I knew how. So in the end, I guess it doesn't matter. Until I learn to do this, I will be stuck in this circle. But really, do I have anything to complain about? Maybe it's just me being selfish again. As usual.
Current Mood: aggravated

31st October 2007

10:46am: Sometimes, I hate people like me.
One of my best friends has a shadow/split personality thing, and I have one like that too. People, meet Kid(mine) and Kami(his). Kami can bring down my walls, just by being there, sometimes. He brought them down last night. He saw my cuts, and it sucks. He got me to the point that I was nearly crying. I guess though, I brought them down a little for him as well. And I told him about how it is so hard for me to believe it when people tell me they are my friend, or they love me. I just can't see that. He told me I gave myself too little credit (actually I think that wasn't Kami, but whatever.) Anyway, now because of that, I have to rebuild my walls, and my shields, and try to make them better. Kami, I hope you realize just how hard that is going to be.

Anyway, I got kicked out of my house basically. His exact words were "you are going to straighten up or you'll have to find somewhere else to live." He also asked if I was whoreing (?) Kami like I was whoreing Raz. I have to be home at 11:30 today because of that, and honestly, I think I'll spend that time packing. I really don't think I can live there anymore. I'll have to quit at McDonalds, and I won't be able to go back to school, but I'll deal with it. I don't know. It'll work out. Now all I have to do is tell my mom, because she'll want me to come down there, but I am not leaving Raz. He is my life now, him and only him. I love my mom and everything, but I don't know how much different it would be with my mom than with my dad. Yeah, it'd be a christian aura, and there wouldn't be any drinking, or cussing, and all in all, a better environment, but my mom is a christian. I am spiritual, but not religious like her. I couldn't stand it. I already feel like she is shoving the religon down my throat! And I couldn't see Raz. That would kill me faster than anything. So with that being said, I think I'll move in with Raz, if his mom will let me. I'll have to give up a lot of things, but hopefully, in the end, it'll be worth it. I think it will.

But I'll be damned if I let my father do this to me and get away unscathed. I will hurt him. Emotionally, mentally, physically, I don't care how, but I will hurt him, the same way he has hurt me. I swear to it.
Current Mood: determined

29th October 2007

1:27pm: Pretty Red Marks v2.
I cut again, wouldn't ya know it. Not many, just around seven or so. I don't think it's that many anyway. But yeah, my dad took away my car, doesn't care that I won't be able to get to or from school, (unless Mimi's mom agrees to take me) and it will be gone until friday.
I done them last night, after I went to bed. The cuts are on my forearm, and one got a little bloody. It's okay though. Especially since they will leave very pretty scars. But it sucks, because now I'll have to wear my jacket all the time now. Damn it. Well, whatever. It will be okay, I guess. ^-^
Current Mood: indescribable

26th October 2007

10:43am: Vampires
I have a new book, called "Piercing the Darkness". It's a nonfiction about vampires. I love it, and it is the only book that I have not been able to just sit down and read for hours on end, like all the others. I can only read this book in short little intervals, which in a way, kinda sucks, but I also kinda like that better.

I love this book. It has also told me a lot about why I like vampires so much. I won't go into all of the details here, but I know the reasons, and that is always good. I don't know though. This all comes back to the point that Raz made not to long ago. He told me that I was very impressionable. I knew that, but I guess I had never really thought about it and it kinda caught me off guard for a moment. Though I think I've gotten over it. ^-^
Current Mood: frustrated

18th October 2007

1:46pm: The Best Little Girl in the World.
Have you ever read this book? If you haven't, you need to. It's about Kessa, a 15 year old girl who has a fear of eating. She develops anorexia. A severe case of it too. She gets to a weight of 69.5 lbs. I have found that I easily slip into a state of mind like that of what I am reading, looking at, talking about, etc, and it was Raz who told me this, after reading this book on one bus trip (from Wilmington to Charlotte). I didn't really read this book again yesterday, but it seems like the idea has slipped back into my mind. Because of one little thing, it seems. This:
The way her hip bones are, I love it. I think that is beautiful. But it is so hard to do. I don't know. I'm still thinking about it. Maybe. But I have a lot of work to do if I ever want to look anything close to that, but I think if I want it enough, then I can do it. But what will the outcome be? In a way, this state of mind scares me, but I don't really know what to do about it, how to stop it, because even though I know it isn't something that is good, I still want it. Like the cutting. I know I shouldn't, but I love it. I love to.
Speaking of things that are loved, my dad found out he has the lunds of a 76 year old. Basically he'll either stop smoking very soon, or he'll die, very soon. Sad part about it, is he was talking about Maw yesterday when he told me about it, and he told me that he didn't want to be like her, the closer she knew she was to dying, the more she smoked. We went to bed at 10:00 last night, and within a few minutes, he had smoked two cigarettes. In less than 15 minutes! He's not going to stop, because he himself told me he loved it, and thus, he won't stop. I can't do anything about it, and in a way that makes me sad, but I have tried to get him to stop, and it won't work. He won't listen to me. Now he's going to die.
And I can't help him.

4th October 2007

6:44pm: Music things and a loss of energy.
I spent I think around three hours yesterday for music. I found deathnote. Wow. Now that is music. And Trapnest is good. I like Reira's voice. Anyway, that's what I've been doing here now. It's great. I have around 70 songs now, compared to 30. Isn't it great? (thank you Mimi!)

Anyway. Something is going on, and I still can't figure it out. I had had plenty of sleep through the last few days. I slept from ten o'clock till two in the afternoon, then I slept from around ten thirty to three thirty today (my dad came home). But yesterday, when I came home from Raz's I was absolutely give out! I had done nothing! I went to school, and when I got to his house I helped him move the boxes out of the yard. I couldn't really lift them! I had to push them, and that was hard too. It sucked. But other than that I didn't really do anything. I dunno. I still say the boy is a psy vamp. I'm not sure though. *sigh* whatever. I get plenty of sleep, so it's okay.
Current Mood: drained

20th September 2007

11:25am: Manga, Sonata, and A God.
One of my best friends, Mimi has the Tsubasa series up to number 14. Unbelievable, eh? I love the series so far, and I'm only up to volume 6 (halfway through it). Speaking of Mimi, her 20th birthday was tuesday. I didn't get her anything, but I will ( I have no money right now or I would have), but one of our mutual friends, Kami got her something that I don't think anyone could really top: a borrowed xbox 360 (from my boyfriend) and a copy of Eternal Sonata. Honestly! I think that boy has way too much time on his hands to think up the perfect gifts. He one time got me Panzer Dragoon Orta and a borrowed copy of FF8. Both of which I was obsessed with at that time. *sighs* To have such a thoughtful friend. It really is amazing that there are people out there that pay that much attention to others. Good Job Kami!
Current Mood: content

11th September 2007

11:17am: Pretty red marks.
I cut again last night. Not because I was sad or upset in any way. I just wanted to. But somehow I think I went too far. I have so many on my upper wrist, I can't find where they begin and others end. It kinda baffles me. But anyway. I counted the number of cuts on my lower wrist and I think I got nineteen. I'm not sure. I dunno. Anyway!
I got out of work early today. They had way too many people there, and since I came in at 5:00 this morning, I got sent home. At 9:45. Amazing eh?
Current Mood: content

3rd September 2007

7:53pm: Of Werewolves and Vampires.
I think I've found the biggest ditch I could and dumped myself in it. I finally, what I consider, cheated on Raziel. I kissed my Phoenix, my werewolf. But Raz, he's my love, he's my Vampire, the one I want to be with.

I think.

Ever since then, I have been rethinking everything, because I want to kiss him again. I'm running around in my head, trying to figure these things out, because I want to be with Phoe, but I love Raz, and I don't know what to do. It is.. Giving me a headache and a heartache. I'm so afraid that I'm falling back in love with my werewolf, then again, I'm not sure I ever fell out of love with him I'm just.... So confused.

I was finally put on anti-depressants. I was supposed to start taking them today, but I don't really want to. I hate taking things like that. But I'm being forced. And I really don't think it would help my Werewolf and Vampire problem.

This is where I feel that not being here would be so much better than putting them and myself through this. It would be easier wouldn't it?

27th August 2007

2:12pm: Banks Are..
Going to take over the world. Just simply because we trust them. They could take our money and never give it back, just because they could. I had some overdraws, and for each day that I didn't pay it back, I had five extra dollars added on. Guess what my total was:
$104.12.
....
.......
.........
erhiovdsnhklrgafehio
In my had I had $272. I also owed $111.00 to the insurance, which just recently went up from $73.90. We are going to be penniless in less than two weeks, I can almost guarentee it.
I hate banks.

Anyway, now that I've made the blonde give me a strange look, lets get on to other matters, shall we? I'm getting fangs. Imagine that, custom made fangs (damned bank, or I could get them right now!), and a gothloli dress. It will be so pretty. Really it will. Now all I need are the shoes. I love the dress. I just have to actually find the shoes, which will be very very hard. *sigh* Whatever.
Anyway, love you all, and I will be back, possibly a little less sane.
Current Mood: aggravated

24th August 2007

10:49am: Ugh...
I actually missed work yesterday. It was horrible, because I hardly ever miss work. In the near one year I've been at McDonalds, I've missed 26 hours I believe. Twenty in just this week, because I have to leave at 7:30 to get to school on time. So that doesn't entirely count, does it? Anyway, Domita was pissed, and frankly, I don't care. I'd rather be a home getting better than getting everyone else sick. Then again, maybe I'd get her sick.... ^-^ Happy thoughts!
I finally finished Eclipse! I love that book! It is such a great thing. I love Jacob now, and Edward, of course, but Bella.... Well.. I don't think I would have been too upset if Victoria had of gotten to her before Edward could have. Anyway!!!
Current Mood: sick

19th August 2007

8:19pm: Missing
Somehow, things are going a lot better since then, but I guess that's how things go in real life. But it's always the calm before the storm and the darkest right before dawn, right? All I have to do now is wait it out.
Did I ever tell you how impatient I am?
Waiting isn't fair and neither is it right. It shouldn't work that way, but damn it this is one thing I don't think I have control over. Damn it damn it damn it damn it!!!!
*deep sigh* phew, now that that is over, let's get on to other things. My dad thinks he may have found me a civic. It might be a car that actually works........ Whatever! I don't think it really matters though. So, again, whatever.

Mood: Predatory. I've been listening to Despar, from Gackt. I greatly suggest this song. I can barely listen to it in the car. Look it up!
Current Mood: predatory

16th August 2007

2:34pm: What Scares Me.
Wow it's has been such a long time!! I'm amazed it still let me sign in, to be truthful. But anyway, I'm waiting for registration to open up again for Mayland, which isn't for another hour and a half, so I'm going around, looking for things to do. Isn't it great.

Jonathan and I had our first "bad enough to even be considered fighting" fight/argument last night. I'm going to try and work at Baxters, which will mean no more trying to rummage for money for school, or gas, to go see him, a new car to actually get there and back, and more money to do things and buy for him and it seems so great when it's described like that, but he doesn't like it (that is one hell of a run on sentance). He told me last night he was afraid of losing me to someone I meet there, and then he's afraid of me losing intrest in him because to get this job, I'll have to work second or third shift, and he's a junior in high school, so I wouldn't get to see him as often as I do now, and I don't get it. I think everything will be fine just simply because we've been through things like this and we have survived! We're still going, but now it seems like if I take this job, then everything will be ruined, and we'll end up not being okay, and they'll be no more "us". And that is what scares me. I'm scared to death that I'll lose him over a stupid petty job.

And I hate it.
Current Mood: scared

6th October 2006

8:06pm: I'm bored. But it's okay. Sorry it's been so long. I haven't had much to say. But I think.. since the last time I was here, I had 178 or so, and now I have around 180 cuts. It's all for good reason though. It has been here lately!!!

17th August 2006

12:19am: You know, I was so proud of myself when I though of how much time had passed since I had last cut. And I was doing fairly well. But then I go and screw it up. You know it really sucks when you finally discover that you actually are addicted to something and it turns out to be almost more dangerous than most other addictions. I hate it, because this, though it isn't truely hurting me, it's hurting the one that I love the most. And even when I try to stop, it comes back. I always knew I was a weak individual, weaker than most, but I never knew I was this weak. I'm beginning to hate myself for it. Again.
Current Mood: I'm the Ice Queen once again.

16th July 2006

11:14pm: Jay moved July 12. He's going to go to Texas. It's a cusody battle thing between his mom and dad. I never thought I cry over someone moving that I had really only known a few months, but I did. And it sucks. I miss him, even though, I only knew him a little. He was fun. A bit on the dense side, but that's okay. He also made Jonathan happy. I know that sounds gay, but he did. He and Jay are really close. I hated that Jay had to move, if for no other reason than that.
Other than that, I'm still here people. I'm not dead yet!!!!
Current Mood: strange, I guess.

22nd May 2006

10:33am: I'm tired. Really tired now. THe happiness I felt in first block is still here, and I still smile at the picture I get in my head, but I just feel tired now. I just want to sleep.
Current Mood: but still weird.

19th May 2006

9:52am: Nine more cuts. I'm not sure why, but I did. I even told Jonathon that I was going to. I was sitting there on the phone with him, looking at the bare skin between my wrist and the scar on my middle uppper arm, and I told him I needed more on that area. And I do. But that isn't where I cut. I can't cut there, they would be too easily spotted by a family memeber. I don't need that right now. I would have had more, but I couldn't find a blade that I liked. All of them seemed to be too dull. None were sharp enough. They tore instead of cut. I don't exactly like the tearing. Just the scars and blood. I don't know.

Anyway, on to happier things, I'm reading the second book in the Bartimeaus Trilogy. The library got the third one in yesterday. I'm happy, but I'm not going to be able to read it then. I'll have to get it myself. But then I'm also trying to get all of the Amelia Atwater-Rhodes books. I'll have to decide between the two later. Not now.

I'm dizzy. I shouldn't be though. I'm not sure what's going on, but my body has been telling me something that I just can't understand. I also have a headache. I'm a little worried. Okay, more than that, but still. Doesn't mean every Jack and Jill in this county has to know. People I don't see on a regular basis, sure; people I know, it's none of their business.

Eh, I guess everything will be okay. If not, that's life. As Jonathon would say: C'est la Vi (I can't spell!!!!!!!!!!!)
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23rd September 2012

6:29am: Going through this, I miss it. I miss Kid, I miss Kami, I miss the random path my thoughts took.
Maybe I'll take this back up again. Just because.
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